ThinkTwisted

We were sitting in conference room, there was nothing really special about it. You’re basic table and some crummy chairs that screw with your back. I leaned back, removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes. It was only 10 am, but had already been a long day.

The room smelled of sweat and decomposing onions left in the trash from the day before. Things were progressing as normal that day. Nothing going right. Nothing according to plan. But isn’t that what life is? What would be the point if everything you planned came true? Everything always worked out. Then what would you do?

I stretched my arms up and stood. I leaned side to side to crack my back and sat back down. Getting back to my computer, I noticed the person with me reaching into his back. He rooted around for several second and finally pulled something out.

He shredded the foil wrapper like a raptor who hadn’t ate in months. He voraciously devoured part of the granola bar. More than half of it was gone in less than 3 seconds. I had never seen someone eat with such intensity. He looked up at me with fear and greed as if I were going to try and steal the remaining bar from his grip.

He grunted, gruffly, at me as if to acknowledge the bar was his. I leaned forward to study his expression a little closer. He began to growl. Was this a human being or a creature of the night? I felt as though a monsoon had over taken him and washed his soul away, replacing it with a beast unknown to both of us.

I slowly backed out of the room, afraid for my life. I shut the door and turned around. Looking for someone to help. I found little but more creatures occupying cubicles, grunting over bits of food. A woman was leaping up and down screeching like a monkey and shredding her paperwork.

What had happened? Was I acting strangely or was I the only sane one left? How do I know if I’m the sane one? Maybe I’m acting like a madman to everyone else? What happens when you turn crazy?

The world was shifting out from underneath me faster than I could comprehend. The ground began moving off the left and up to an intense angle. I clung on as best I could, I was dangling off on my own till I was holding by just my finger tips. They gave way.

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I sat across the room, eyeing the corner. Something seemed off, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what. I stared harder into the dimness. I kept telling myself my mind was playing tricks on me, but I couldn’t convince myself. What was wrong? What was it that prompted my mind to reel? Was it simply my imagination running wild?

I had been feeling creatively stifled over the last few months. My work life became overbearing, it consumed me whole. I felt myself slipping into a depressing cycle of work, food, sleep, work, food, sleep, work, food, sleep, work, food, sleep.

Work, Foo……

It went on and on. I tried to break the madness. I stopped attending work and just stayed home in bed all day. I forced myself into a habit of getting up drinking grain alcohol. I was inebriated by noon every day. I’m not sure why, but I thought this was helping me. I continued in my new cycle for weeks on end. One morning I woke up, drug myself downstairs, opened the freezer, and thought to myself, “What. The. Fuck.” I went back to work that morning, my boss was furious with me. He asked me to go into his office, so I did. I sat down in the chair. It was uncomfortable, why are boss’s chairs always terrible? They are trying to set you up for failure.

He sat down and tried to keep his cool. Sitting there behind his desk, hands clutched so that his knuckles were white. The veins on his forehead and neck were popping out. I did my best to keep from laughing. He looked like a cartoon, his face was swelling up all red. I thought at any minute I’d see steam shooting out of his ears.

He yelled, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” and pounded the table with his still clutched fists.

I thought for a moment and answered, “You know, I’ve been trying to figure that out myself.”

That just made him more furious. He started yammering on, screaming and yelling. I got up and walked out of his office. I said hey to one of my friends and left.

I went back home and sat down on the couch. Something caught my eye in the corner. I stared at it for a few moments and lost track of whatever it had been that initially grabbed my attention. I strained myself to see what it was, but couldn’t make anything out. The wind blew in the near by window, moving the curtains and it caught my attention again. It was small and dark. It kind of looked like it was spinning.

I got up off the couch to slowly approach the object. It seemed to spin faster as I approached and made a slight humming sound. I turned on the nearby lamp to get a better look, but that didn’t help. This thing just seemed to suck in any light surrounding it so that it was constantly covered in inky darkness. I reached out to touch it and it sucked me into nothingness.

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I thought I would share this short story I wrote more than two years ago. Made me laugh when I re-read it.

As I sat and stared at the two monsters devouring their salads across the table from me, my mind began to wander. Would they turn their attention to me next? Or would the next course come in time to satisfy them? My heart began to pump hard in my chest. I could hear it in my ears. Just as they finished their last bites with a crunch, a tentative little midget came running from behind a set of double doors. She was more scared than I and this made me relax just a little. Her life was on the line more so than mine.

The monsters began to grill me as the midget girl quickly dropped their main course down on the table and she scurried away. They asked me what I was doing here; why I had I invaded their territory? I didn’t have a good answer for them. I made up some BS about living life on the dangerous side, seeking an adrenaline thrill. In all honesty, the fact that I was at this table was merely coincidental. I was offered a job I couldn’t refuse – I needed the experience so what other option did I have?

They seemed to buy into it. They munched down their extra-rare steaks and drooled with delight. They asked me about my experiences in their area: what had I seen, done, and taken part in? I explained to them that I tried to participate in their society, but was rejected and turned out by most. A few friendly critters treated me well, but only out of professional courtesy and/or pity.

Suddenly they became outraged. These grotesque stinking beasts beat the table with their claws. Everyone within earshot cringed and hid beneath their tables. A plate was hurled through the air and slammed into the back of the booth beside my head. Scared for my life, I started to jump up to make a run for it. As my back was turned toward the monsters and I started to take off, I felt a mammoth paw on my shoulder forcibly turn me around.
What I saw as I was turned around will stick with me through all my days. The two massive monsters were kneeling on the floor at my feet. Even on their knees, their heads were level with mine.

With tears in their eyes, they begged me for my forgiveness and mercy. They were filled with shame, that the society they ran could treat a foreigner with such disrespect.
I helped them rise from their knees and told them to relax. I would hold no grudges and I would keep an open mind. I suggested they turn from the violence used to command the masses, perhaps they could treat their constituents with respect. In turn, the constituents would show respect to others.

With this simple advice, I left them and their dreary corner of the world. Maybe I’ll return someday to have a different experience.

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I let my cat outside tonight.  She likes to go out and roam around the yard pretending she is a tiger.  Once in a while she will kill something and proudly bring it back to the house for my inspection.

Tonight was no exception.  I was reading some Kafka on the living room couch when I heard some meowing and growling outside.  This was the normal, “I want back in, dammit!” sound my cat makes.  I hopped up to let her in.  As I looked outside to survey what she was up to, I noticed she was not alone.  Another black cat was out there, and she was growling and meowing at it.

I opened the door and called for her to come in.  Instantly she darted off towards the other cat.  She ran up the steps in my back yard, tripping and falling hard on the leap to the second step.  The other cat ran off scared and Cici came running back in.  She remained at the door hissing and growling with her tail all puffed up.  My wife looked outside a saw a twitching little mouse laying on the porch.  We let the cat back out, thinking she wanted to finish playing with the mouse.

She ran outside, picked the mouse up, ran back inside and dropped it on the kitchen floor.  She sat there pawing and biting at the poor little thing while it whimpered and bled.  My wife looked at me and asked me if I could put it out of its misery.

Sure thing honey, I’ll get my miniature pistols out and put a bullet in its head.

All joking aside, I took the little mouse away from the cat and tossed it up and onto the kitchen counter.  I grabbed the large butcher knife that came with our knife set (who uses those things anyway?) and looked back down at the mouse.

He stared back up at me, his little nose twitching back and forth.  He turned his head from the the counter and gnashed his teeth at me.  He began to squeak very loudly.  I leaned to listen.  To my surprise he was speaking to me.  Pleading for his life.

The little mouse said, “Please spare me, for my name is Charles.  I am the last of my family.  You cat has brutally murdered all of us.”

The little dude was bleeding quite a bit by this point.  I began to worry about him.  I said, “Do you really think you can pull through?”

“Of course I can,” murmured the mouse, “I have been endowed special powers from being the last of my clan.  All mice are blessed with the ability to health themselves and grant wishes as they please when the last of their remaining family passes.”

I opened my mouth in astonishment.  I could not believe what the mouse said! Wait, the fucking mouse is talking!  I slapped myself a few times to shake the craziness out.  A dying mouse is laying on my counter, I am standing over it with a butchers knife ready to decapitate it.  Do you really think its talking to you? Just to be sure, I leaned back in for another listen.

Charles said, “I know what you’re thinking, and you aren’t crazy.  I told you we get special abilities.  Think about Fievel – that movie wasn’t fiction.  If you spare my life, I will grant you any wish you desire.”

I thought carefully about the mouse’s promise.  I felt sorry for the little guy, bleeding all over my counter.  I asked the mouse, “If I spare you life tonight and you grant me my wish, what good will that do you?  Your life will be terrible.  You have no family, no friends, no life beyond my back yard.  My cat will surely find you again.  Next time she won’t be so careless.  Tell me, why do you want to live?”

“There is no easy answer,” the mouse replied, “but I can tell you this.  Life is not about your friends, not about your family, not about the women you sleep with, and not about how much traveling you do.  Life is about living in the moment, enjoying the time you have, and realizing how lucky you are to be on such a beautiful planet.  Although the remainder of my life may be short and lonely, I will enjoy my time.”

About half way through Charles’s speech I got distracted.  He was babbling on about the meaning of life, and I couldn’t even pay attention.  Thanks a lot TV.  I looked back down at Charles.  As he stared back with his soulful little eyes, it seemed like there was a smile on his face.  I pulled my arm high in the air, and smacked the knife down hard on the countertop.  Blood sprayed out in the shape of a cone on to the counter.

As the blood drained from the veins of the little mouse into puddles on my counter, I wondered if he was right.  I had finally found out why they include large butcher knives with the set.

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I was taking my dog for walk in the park today.  First, we went to the dog park.  He romped around like a mad man.  I’ve never seen a creature so obsessed with an inanimate object.  After I got his mind off the ball, we began to walk around the 2 mile loop that makes up the park.  I noticed two power-walkers come up on us quickly! Arms a-pumping and lungs a-heaving, it was quite a sight.  I began to imagine my life as a power walker, oh the efficiency!  Just think how many more mundane things I could accomplish if I did them twice as fast.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wouldn’t cut it as a power-walker.  I would start to challenge other power-walkers to games of power-walking CHICKEN.  I’d speed-walk right towards them, they would get aggressive, then scared and turn like babies facing a pig.  Eventually, I would meet my power-walking match.  We would collide with a force only rivaled by Hiroshima.  That would be the end for both of us, and anyone within three miles.

I passed by the power-walkers uneventfully.  As I continued my loop, I heard some noise behind me.  Turned and slyly looked over my shoulder.  Two little girls were approaching me on pink bikes.  I looked back forward, so as to not appear a pervert.  I heard one of them yell to the other, “pull over here while so she can catch up.”

Both girls pulled over to the gravel on the side of the road and waited for an old pick up truck to pull up beside them.  After the truck arrived, the girls took off again and speed down the road.  The truck slowly continued forward.  I didn’t think much about what was going on until I saw it happen again.  I realized that the children were riding their bikes, while the parents followed in the car.  Talk about lazy parenting.  Eventually they caught up to us and passed.  I looked in the car, I saw a man that was massively obese.  He clearly could have used the exercise, but instead followed the children in the most lazy way possible.  As a looked at him a little closer, I realized it wasn’t a man at all, but a WOMAN.

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